Man vs. Vicious Incline

At the very top of Bruinwalk, just past the intersection that takes you from the safety of the dorms to the campus wilderness, resides a formidable foe. It has many names–”Hill of Doom,” “Hell Hill,” or simply “THE HILL” (not to be confused with The Hill, where the dorms are)–and it leers at passing students, daring them to try their luck. There is one problem. Unless you enjoy the privilege of being a member of the theatre majors’ avant-garde, Charles-E.-Young-walking circle, chances are THE HILL is the fastest way to get to class. So, you pop in your earphones and venture forth….

 

WRONG.

 

THE HILL has many ways of making you pay for your insolence.

1. The steepness of THE HILL is primed for idiots. You’ll recognize them. They’re the ones careening down it on skateboards and scooters. You might also recognize the stain at the bottom of THE HILL where the last unsuspecting soul lost a few teeth after getting sidelined by a passing cyclist. (No joke!)

2. You could be Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong, or the next Iron Man contestant…..your thighs will still beg for mercy. Never fear! It’ll still feel that way no matter how many days you spend on the Stairmaster. Embrace life’s comforting certainties. 

3. THE HILL is separated from the track stadium by a large bank of trees. Watch for UCLA’s monstrous spiders, who like to build scale models of the Taj Mahal right in front of your face. Also, there will frequently be gunshots coming from the track. Pay no heed.

4. The entirety of the prolific squirrel population hides in the nearby trashcans. They’re usually quite harmless, and have even been known to post videos on Youtube, but don’t stick your hand in, regardless of the fact that you accidentally threw away your cell phone with your leftover bagel. Consider it a donation.

 

In all seriousness, the most dangerous parts really are the cyclists and skateboarders. Wait until the bottom of the hill before turning on your iPod. And enjoy the walk! It gives you a great view of the campus. Just don’t underestimate how long it will take you to get there.

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