2. Yell.

3. Have birthdays.

4. Talk about class.

5. Recycle.

6. Sudoku.

6a. Pick up the school newspaper and immediately recycle everything that isn’t the sudoku.

7. Freak out strangers.

8. Join clubs to get free swag.

9. Go to events to get free swag.

10. Basically anything that involves free swag.

If you don’t believe me, just go to your local theme park or strip mall and people-watch for a few hours. (Bring a lawn chair and some popcorn…it’s solid summer entertainment).

One of the first things you’ll notice is how many of them there are. No matter what you do or where you go (unless you choose a meeting of Agoraphobics Anonymous, in which case you can take your overdeveloped sense of irony and stick it in your ear……ironically) you’ll probably find that people are like ants in your house during rainy seasons. They pour in from entrances you didn’t know existed and sort of aimlessly mill about, latching on to food sources and occasionally hoisting their dead comrades above their heads to cart back to the hill.

Like those six-legged trollops, however, people will exhibit one dominant and peculiar behavior when in crowds. They don’t want to be touched. The only scenario in the world outside of the Catholic church before Mardi Gras (future debauchers storing up grace!) where they will, with absolute certainty, be bumped, nudged, jostled, or–heaven help us–breathed on in passing…and they insist on The Bubble.

The Bubble is an extraordinary marvel of the scientific world. From person to person, it varies in radius, quality of soundproofing, and defense mechanisms. Some are thin, easily subverted, and made of a fuzzy pink aura that leaves the infringer with a slight humming sound in their head and the barely concealed desire to cuddle puppies. Others are vast, inexplicably cause hives, and emit a high-pitched squealing noise like rats in a noodle maker. The one universal constant among the bubble boys and girls of America, however, is that there are certain rules of etiquette one must follow. For time’s sake, we’ll narrow it to three.

1. The Line Bubble. It’s a statistical fact (no, it’s not) that Americans spend at least 30% of their life span waiting in lines. It’s also a statistical fact (I’m lying) that 1 in 4 Americans will, at some point, deck the person waiting behind them. The motives vary from reaching around to grab the little partition bar, to allowing one’s biological monster-baby to flick Tic-Tacs into someone else’s hair…but most experts agree that the main cause of Express Lane violence is the fact that the person was standing too close. You know that feeling–when you don’t want to turn and look, but your hackles rise with the knowledge that the person behind you is looming so close that your ponytail could take out an eye. Oh, yeah. Don’t be ashamed. Anyone would like to get in a good swing, or at least a well-placed “do you MIND?”

2. The P.T. Bubble. This applies to all public transportation in which seating is a matter of free will. As my enlightened Sith Lord of a Chemistry professor told me freshman year, people operate under the same law that electrons and electron levels do. In a bank of open seat pairs on a typical bus, people will file on and fill in one of the two seats in every row before being forced to sit next to someone. I understand this sentiment. When I am on the bus, sohelpmeGOD if you sit next to me when there are open seats elsewhere I will pretend to have rabies and gnaw on my own arm. People don’t stick around when you gnaw on your arm. Conclusion–public transportation operates under bubble etiquette, and my professor is still the Sith.

3. The Conversation Bubble. Not to be confused with the speech bubble, that minute area of white space too often filled with inane monologuing in the daily paper’s comics, this refers to the unspoken buffer zone that should stand between you and the person you happen to be talking with. If you ever notice someone attempting to lean back inconspicuously while you’re blabbing, chances are one of two things are true. One, your breath reminds them of bad dreams, or two…you’re too close for comfort. Another telling indicator that you’re not observing the laws of conversation bubble? The fact that their eyes are unfocused and seem to be trying to siphon your brain out through the bridge of your nose. At that range, you probably look like a large, fuzzy replica of something that might have been human once.

There really are very few acceptable reasons for the invasion of personal space. If you are a) dating, b) best friends/kissing cousins/people who like hugs, or c) saving someone from imminent death through the cunning use of massage therapy……by all means. Other than that, not a chance.

Welcome to America–land of the free, home of the spaciously-inclined. Oh, and please step back about 8 inches. You’re in my bubble.

WRONG.

THE HILL has many ways of making you pay for your insolence.

1. The steepness of THE HILL is primed for idiots. You’ll recognize them. They’re the ones careening down it on skateboards and scooters. You might also recognize the stain at the bottom of THE HILL where the last unsuspecting soul lost a few teeth after getting sidelined by a passing cyclist. (No joke!)

2. You could be Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong, or the next Iron Man contestant…..your thighs will still beg for mercy. Never fear! It’ll still feel that way no matter how many days you spend on the Stairmaster. Embrace life’s comforting certainties. 

3. THE HILL is separated from the track stadium by a large bank of trees. Watch for UCLA’s monstrous spiders, who like to build scale models of the Taj Mahal right in front of your face. Also, there will frequently be gunshots coming from the track. Pay no heed.

4. The entirety of the prolific squirrel population hides in the nearby trashcans. They’re usually quite harmless, and have even been known to post videos on Youtube, but don’t stick your hand in, regardless of the fact that you accidentally threw away your cell phone with your leftover bagel. Consider it a donation.

In all seriousness, the most dangerous parts really are the cyclists and skateboarders. Wait until the bottom of the hill before turning on your iPod. And enjoy the walk! It gives you a great view of the campus. Just don’t underestimate how long it will take you to get there.

Here’s an entirely truthful look at some of the world’s most fabulous people, who were undoubtedly addicted to coffee:

William Shakespeare, sometime author–before becoming the Bard of Avon, Billy Shakes worked as a barista at his local Starrbuckes. When he made less than desirable profits off of tips, he tried his hand at playwrighting. All that practice writing spunky chalkboard messages advertising the “drinke of the monthe” paid off quite nicely.

Macbeth, V.i. “Out, damned spot!”–explicitly refers to the tenacity of coffee when it soaks into a light fabric. Shakespeare was obviously very familiar with stain removers, as seen by his ironic portrayal of Lady Macbeth, who seems to think that “a little water” is all it takes. Silly woman. Next time…bleach cycle.

Rene Descartes, philosopher and hairier-than-normal Frenchman–according to Wikipedia, the source from which I glean any important and highly researched information, he is often called “The Father of Modern Philosophy,” responsible for giving us the famous, “Je pense donc je suis.” (In English, “I think, therefore I am”). Early manuscripts, however,  show this to be a translation error from the original Latin. In its most accurate form, the saying runs, “I drink, therefore I am.” By all popular accounts, Descartes was no booze hound, so that–combined with his duties as an early morning teacher in Sweden–points to a distinct java bias.

Charon, Hades’ gondolier–in most Greek mythology, the ferryman responsible for transporting ye old sinners across the river Styx is noted as being the possessor of a fine pair of fierce, flashing eyes. His name, in fact, is reported to have come from a noun meaning “of keen gaze.” Taking into account the reasons most people drink coffee (sleep deprivation) and the fact that transporting the damned is probably not just a 9 to 5 job (more than 6 billion corrupt, baby), it can be assumed that Charon’s “keen gaze” and bloodshot eyes are indications of an espresso habit. Also, the obolus, a coin used ostensibly to pay for a soul’s passage, just happened to be the price of one of Zeus’s famous Lightning Cappuccinos. Coincidence? Hardly.

Jesus Christ, sackcloth salesman–do I even need to say it? How many times did he turn water to wine? Do you realize how much easier it would be to make coffee from mud? He probably took one look at his disciples and thought, “Complain, complain, complain. Mochas for all. Boom. Now shut up and enjoy your ‘tall’ while I rock a ‘venti’. Hey…I’m God, beezies.”

No beans about it…coffee=greatness.

However, some of you may have trouble experiencing the link to these magnificent, albeit dead and/or mythological, addicts. If that is you, do not despair! There is a way for you to sit down with intelligence, experience, and eloquence at your local java joint.

1. Befriend those people in your life whom you think are only there to talk at you–professors, teachers, mentors, other people’s parents, etc. Eventually you will come to find that they do not, in fact, sleep in coffins during the day and speak only in proverbs or platitudes. They are…wait for it…people. And chances are they have a lot going on in their heads that’s worth mentioning, once you get them going. Trust me. You’ll avoid a lot of grief by hearing about someone else’s screw-ups.

2. Realize that most cafes offer a variety of teas as well as coffees. Take your friends, choose a selection of coffee and non-coffee drinks according to individual tastes, and commandeer a bunch of the chairs for the entire day. Ignore the employees who glare at you. They’re just jealous because they smell like diluted coffee-water and wear stupid visors while you relax in caffeinated comfort. Again, trust me. Your friends are a fantastic source of greatness, even if none of you see it yet. Listen to each other, and then reconvene when you’ve all lived a little. You’ll be surprised.

3. Recognize your own potential. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them” (Malvolio, Twelfth Night). Grab a cup, sit outside, and marvel at how much you can do in the world when you’re juiced by delicious flavor and awesomeness.

With the harrowing tales of budget cuts and university downsizing, accounts are pouring in of students who sign online to register for classes only to find out that the last one available is a seminar on Roman hygiene, disguised as Classics 25 1/2.  For many of you, time is getting short–almost too short to stuff in the last generic requirement or vitally important, degree-altering seminar. What, then, is the solution to your registration problems? Storm the chancellor’s residence with an torch-bearing mob? I’d rather not get my Rainbows dirty, thanks. They’ve lasted me this long. Besides, why not bypass the local fuzz and go straight to the top–straight to the ones who have the real power–UPPERCLASSMEN.

There you are. The well-kept secret of public universities. When it comes to scheduling classes and pressuring authority, the upperclassmen are your man….er…men…er…persons. You see, they are gifted with the peculiar ability to acquire a sign-up time that is, inevitably, earlier than yours. Unlike the somewhat ripened members of our schools’ boardrooms, however, they can’t be ruled by pathetic attempts at force or persuasive rhetoric. They be fierce. They be cutthroat. They be…hungry.

Bribe them. That’s your key to success. And don’t bribe them with free tickets or offers to follow them around with a TI-89 and calculate their chances of a good test curve (although, that last one gives me ideas, and anything with the word “free” in it is appealing as long as it doesn’t also contain the words “appendectomy” or “copies of Ann Coulter books”). It’s Newton’s 4th law. The longer you stay in school, the more you are wooed by the promise of free food.

So, here’s the deal. Use those extra meal swipes you convinced your parents you’d need (don’t even pretend like you eat 19 times per week in that sinkhole you term a ‘dining hall’) and pawn them off to upperclasspersons in exchange for their earlier registration time. Unethical? Not at all. Chances are that the kid who is shelling out his sign-up time for midnight snacks doesn’t need it anyway. Take a class on ethics and you’ll see I’m right. Oh, wait. It’s probably filled already by people with fewer morals and more ambition. Too bad.

One caveat–don’t waste a meal swipe on a class that isn’t required for your major or that is offered multiple times throughout the year. And don’t trade with upperclasspersons who approach you first. They are weasels. Avoid them. Oh, and good luck. If you’re an underclassperson, someday you’ll learn the glorious art of mooching. Until then, exploit, exploit, exploit. It’s what we’ve gleaned from bureaucracy.

This blog has been edited to include the following:

After reading a few comments, I realized I had neglected to mention the most important part–Vegetarian upperclasspersons. One word: salads. They’re great; don’t eat the dressing, it’s bad for you.

On a more practical note, what I really left out was how exactly the switcheroo is effected. Like most campuses, my own school runs registration based on ID numbers. When you succeed in bribing an upperclassperson with the tantalizing aroma of lunch gratis, the key is to have them use their sign-up time to enroll in the class you need while you use yours to enroll in a dummy substitute (or one of their classes that you can actually get into). Once you’ve reached your registration time and chosen a filler class, have them drop your necessary class while you wait like a rabid vulture for the space they’ll be opening. If you happen to enroll in a class they want, do the same for them–in essence, just switch.

The End.

2. Repeat with unnecessary frequency.

I don’t know if you’ve ever driven in LA, but there really are only two traffic laws. One, no matter what you’re doing, it’s wrong and deserves to be honked at and/or verbally abused from the driver’s seat of another vehicle. And two, you’re not doing it fast enough. Here’s a quick overview of normal city streets versus LA streets:

Red lights, City Normale–they mean stop. Not only do they mean stop, they glare angrily at you for your own welfare.

Red lights, City of Angels–what?

Pedestrians, City Normale–they have the right of way. Crosswalks are designed expressly for their use, and the driving instructor dings you on your evaluation if you set even a tire tread in it.

Pedestrians, City of Angels–two-legged squirrels. Hit them. If you’re late for work, it’s their fault, not the triple-shot latte you picked up on the way.

Parking, City Normale–ample space to pull up in your soccer mom van and even have a barbecue in the open lot.

Parking, City of Angels–learn to hover. And yes, your Hummer can fit in that space marked “compact.”

Word to the wise…try public transportation if you’re ever in LA for more than a cursory visit to the Getty. Granted, it’s dirtier, smellier, and often less timely than your own vehicle–but you have a 40% chance of still liking humans afterward. Check out http://www.metro.net/index.asp for details and timetables. It even has a handy-dandy trip planner to do it for you.